"Welcome to Senior Dating - the site I created to help Seniors
find Love and Companionship on the Internet - the right way! You’ll find
reviews of the best senior dating sites as well as tips and advice to help you get the most from your dating experience and enhance your life!" Kathy Damer, Editor.

How Important is Chemistry?

chemistryLucy wrote to me this week:

"Dear Kathy, I just started on eHarmony.  I met a gentleman and we proceeded to have a meeting over coffee which was for 2 hours.  We then went on a lunch date and again talked for 2 hours. Our third date was dinner…we had a lovely time.

I felt I was getting to know this man slowly, no "sparks" on my part.   But possibly potential….in 8 hours how do you really know someone?  Secondly, the next day he gave me a "dear john" email saying that we were not on the same paths.

I was totally shocked…is this the norm?  He also asked to kiss me at the end of our dinner date.  On the cheek was acceptable to me.  Am I too slow? Or is this the norm? I need to be enlightened."

Hi Lucy,

I think the answer to your question lies in something you said in your letter. You said that despite going on three dates and getting to know the man slowly there were no "sparks" for you.   Even on the third date you only felt inclined to let him kiss you on the cheek, I would guess probably because you didn't have any real sense of attraction to him. Generally women are much easier for men to read because our actions and body language are fairly good signals of our feelings, and perhaps he picked up that you weren't really into him. Ever heard of the old adage "actions speak louder than words"?

Unless your date was only looking for the occasional social companion, or just someone to become good friends with, he probably sensed that this would not become anything more than platonic.   As shocked as you might have been, it seems to me that he did you both a favour by ending it and moving on before someone got hurt. You don't want to end up in a relationship where neither person can meet the other's expectations — a surefire recipe for failure.

Was it wrong that you didn't get into a major lip-lock with him on that date instead of offering your cheek?   Absolutely not! You should never do something that you don't feel right about. I really believe that you were only acting as your heart dictated and as much as he was a nice guy, your heart wasn't into it.

If you can honestly say that you saw a future with this man, perhaps when you offered your cheek you could have said something like "I really like you a lot, and I hope you feel the same. I have to take this slow because I haven't dated anyone in a long time and I am worried about going too quickly and getting hurt. If you like me too, I hope you can respect that."   There is nothing wrong with taking things slow and any man that is worthy of your love will respect your needs.   But you may have to spell it out for him otherwise he may get the wrong message from your behaviour.

Lucy, you need to ask yourself what you are really looking for on eHarmony or any senior dating site.   Are you looking for just companionship or do you desire a romantic relationship?   If it's romance you are looking for, I strongly recommend that you move past the men that you don't feel any chemistry for ("sparks") and write off your dates to experience.   It isn't easy getting back into the dating scene if you have been out of it for many years. However I do believe you will know when you meet someone (especially by the third date) if there are any "sparks".

If it's companionship only that you want, you cannot expect the dates that you meet to have the same agenda as you — unless you have had in-depth talks about this before you actually meet up.   And even if you are on the same page, friendships too require a certain chemistry to work. Only once you meet someone in the flesh will you know if that chemistry is there.

In the early phase of dating, always remember to be yourself, be honest and frank about your intentions, and if you haven't dated in a while read my article about conversation topics to avoid.

Good luck Lucy!

2 Responses to “How Important is Chemistry?”

  1.  Lawrence says:

    I met a wonderful woman on one of the Christian dating site who's been divorced for several years. I've been widowed for a little over a year but feel ready to embrace a romantic relationship. We've known each other for 6 months and dating seriously for 3 months now. My issue is that when we're together everything is great, she displays both verbal and non-verbal sign of affection and seems content and happy with our relationship. However when we're apart, she seems distant and not sure how she feels about our relationship. She commented recently that she felt pressured when I question her feelings on our relationship and needs more time. Is this normal for a woman not to want to share her feelings? I've shared my feeling and explained I care for her and see the potential of a continued relationship. If she doesn't feel the same or there's no "spark" for her why wouldn't she share that? This woman has the potential to break my heart and being new at dating, I feel vulnerable. Any advise would be appreciated.

    Posted on 19-Jul-15 at 10:01 am | Permalink
  2.  Barb says:

    Hey there,
    just from my point of view, a widowed dating lady,
    the signals are mixed from your dating pal
    "Pal" I feel is the word for this lady
    if this were myself, I would say, I like you a lot, as a pal, and when someone else enters my life and we have more of what I'm looking for, I will move on to that new dating partner
    but, I would have already been honest w/you, and we would already be friends, and "nothing" more, I would not want you to be hurt by my not enjoying the same feelings you are projecting toward me
    be good & kind to yourself, move on

    Posted on 18-Nov-15 at 9:04 pm | Permalink

Leave a Comment

About This Site

Kathy Damer studied Sociology at University and has worked as a marketing executive in the Retirement and Senior care industries for many years. Kathy has a deep understanding of the issues unique to senior dating and relationships and has been featured on the radio.

Kathy founded senior-dating.org as a way to provide free advice and resources for anyone looking to enter the world of senior dating. Please feel free to send Kathy your questions, comments and suggestions for topics that you would like to see covered.

Click Here to Contact Kathy