“Dear Kathy, I just started on eHarmony.  I met a gentleman and we proceeded to have a meeting over coffee which was for 2 hours.  We then went on a lunch date and again talked for 2 hours. Our third date was dinner…we had a lovely time.

I felt I was getting to know this man slowly, no “sparks” on my part.  But possibly potential….in 8 hours how do you really know someone?  Secondly, the next day he gave me a “dear john” email saying that we were not on the same paths.

I was totally shocked…is this the norm?  He also asked to kiss me at the end of our dinner date.  On the cheek was acceptable to me.  Am I too slow? Or is this the norm? I need to be enlightened.”

Hi Lucy,

I think the answer to your question lies in something you said in your letter. You said that despite going on three dates and getting to know the man slowly there were no “sparks” for you.  Even on the third date you only felt inclined to let him kiss you on the cheek, I would guess probably because you didn’t have any real sense of attraction to him. Generally women are much easier for men to read because our actions and body language are fairly good signals of our feelings, and perhaps he picked up that you weren’t really into him. Ever heard of the old adage “actions speak louder than words”?

Unless your date was only looking for the occasional social companion, or just someone to become good friends with, he probably sensed that this would not become anything more than platonic.  As shocked as you might have been, it seems to me that he did you both a favour by ending it and moving on before someone got hurt. You don’t want to end up in a relationship where neither person can meet the other’s expectations – a surefire recipe for failure.

Was it wrong that you didn’t get into a major lip-lock with him on that date instead of offering your cheek?  Absolutely not! You should never do something that you don’t feel right about. I really believe that you were only acting as your heart dictated and as much as he was a nice guy, your heart wasn’t into it.

If you can honestly say that you saw a future with this man, perhaps when you offered your cheek you could have said something like “I really like you a lot, and I hope you feel the same. I have to take this slow because I haven’t dated anyone in a long time and I am worried about going too quickly and getting hurt. If you like me too, I hope you can respect that.”  There is nothing wrong with taking things slow and any man that is worthy of your love will respect your needs.  But you may have to spell it out for him otherwise he may get the wrong message from your behaviour.

Lucy, you need to ask yourself what you are really looking for on eHarmony or any senior dating site.  Are you looking for just companionship or do you desire a romantic relationship?  If it’s romance you are looking for, I strongly recommend that you move past the men that you don’t feel any chemistry for (“sparks”) and write off your dates to experience.  It isn’t easy getting back into the dating scene if you have been out of it for many years. However I do believe you will know when you meet someone (especially by the third date) if there are any “sparks”.

If it’s companionship only that you want, you cannot expect the dates that you meet to have the same agenda as you – unless you have had in-depth talks about this before you actually meet up.  And even if you are on the same page, friendships too require a certain chemistry to work. Only once you meet someone in the flesh will you know if that chemistry is there.

In the early phase of dating, always remember to be yourself, be honest and frank about your intentions, and if you haven’t dated in a while read my article about conversation topics to avoid.

Good luck Lucy!

Jane writes, “Dear Kathy, I am in a very difficult situation. My husband has had five strokes, beginning when he was 55 and we had only been married two years. I love my husband deeply and had intended to care for him at home until his passing.”

“I have been his caregiver for seven years. Since his last stroke, just over a year ago, he has been in a Skilled Nursing Facility. Doctors have been after me for several years to give in and turn his care over to the professionals at a SNF and I have resisted. I have now come to the point where I just can’t manage his care at home any longer.”

“Due to vascular dementia our relationship has changed. He hasn’t been able to carry on a conversation for several years. We haven’t gone out as a couple with another couple for at least three years. It has been a lonely, lonely time for me.”

“I never thought I would have any desire to have another relationship. To go through another heartache like this would be almost too much to bear, I fear. However, I don’t care for this empty house and my dog isn’t offering me any conversation either!”

“I have met a widower on-line and we talk every evening. He is a great guy. We know about each others backgrounds. I would like very much to meet him. I just don’t know what to do. What do other women in my situation do? Would a friendship with this man be totally inappropriate? I know at one time it certainly would have. It is different when you are in the middle of a relationship that is no longer providing any emotional, intellectual, spiritual or sexual interaction – and this is not a new situation. It has been this way for at least four years.”

First off, Jane, thank you for writing and sharing your story with me. It’s important that you talk about it and get some help and encouragement from a neutral source, and I hope I can offer you a bit of that.

When I first started working in the senior care industry I encountered a very similar situation to yours but it was the wife who ended up in the facility while the husband tried to carry on with his life.  They were both in their early sixties, and like you and your husband, it just seemed way too premature and unfair. But my experience eventually showed me that these kinds of situations are not as uncommon as we would like to believe.

I am glad to hear that you have now turned your husband’s care over to a Skilled Nursing Facility.  You were running serious risk of ‘caregiver burnout’ meaning that your health could actually be at risk by caring for your husband’s significant needs at home for as long as you have. As difficult as this decision was, you did the right thing for both your sakes.

Dealing with physically disabled loved ones is extremely difficult and taxing – especially when it comes suddenly, but adding dementia to the mix is a whole other ball game. The emotional stress on loved ones is its own silent killer when the person you love no longer knows you and the relationship changes beyond everyone’s control.

From what you have told me in your email, you married quite late, so assuming there are no children, moving ahead in your life will be much easier since children are usually resistant to their parents moving on. So while that makes this situation somewhat easier, there is still the issue of the guilt you are feeling by wanting to let go and live again.

Some people, because of religious or moral convictions, are adamant that marriage is until death, and they feel that even situations like yours would not be an exception to that. You may encounter people who unfairly thrust this view on you and make you feel like you have an obligation to live your life as a martyr and continue to feel alone and abandoned.

You have to remind yourself that even though your husband is still alive, your life together died a long time ago, and you still have needs that are important to you otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for advice. You are still full of life and you are entitled to happiness – no matter what anyone says.

Take a good look back at the relationship you had with your husband before the strokes. Was your happiness as important to him as his happiness was to you?  Even if you never talked about what each of you would want if something happened to the other, taking a good look at the values you shared will help you to know what he would want for you right now if he was the man that he used to be.  I think this is where you may find the best answer to your dilemma.

Jane, you must be very emotionally raw and needy right now, given the circumstances of your life, so it is crucial that you take it slow with this man that you have been talking to online. You are worried about the heartbreak of history repeating itself and losing another partner to illness down the road, but in the short term you should be more worried about guarding your heart in its very vulnerable state.

Should you meet up?  Yes, as long as you follow my rules (outlined in the articles on the site such as How To Arrange Your First Real Meeting) and exercise good judgment.  When we go through very difficult emotional times of loss, it is easy to put a lot of trust and faith in people who are kind to us but chances are that your friend is legitimately a good guy.

My thanks again to Jane for sharing her story with us.

As humans we are generally not programmed to desire loneliness, but obviously Lee has had a bad experience with online dating to make a defeatist comment such as this. But something still managed to bring Lee to my site, so perhaps Lee isn’t in the final inning of the game of love just yet.

It’s true that we don’t have to look too far to know about scammers. They seem to be everywhere nowadays; looking to take financial advantage of anyone they can get their hooks into and seniors are sadly the most common victims of con artists because most seniors live alone.

They call our homes pretending to be relatives in distress needing money to bail them out, they show up at our doors selling services that never get delivered once our money has been paid, they distract us in grocery stores and steal our wallets and the list goes on.

And then there are the lowest of the low who will use the pretence of romance (both on the internet and in person) to woo their way into our bank accounts and then slither back under their rocks leaving us poorer, broken hearted and feeling used and stupid. It is truly sad what we are up against. And as the global economy worsens, there will be more scam artists out there so we need to be more on our guard than ever.

Does this mean that every single person who signs up for dating sites is a con man /woman? No more than it means that everyone who shows up at our door is trying to burglarize our home. There are hundreds of thousands of legitimate romance and companionship seekers who end up being successful with relationships and there is no reason to believe you can’t be one of them – as long as you know how to be cautious.

Fortunately we have the internet – the most amazing technological advancement of the last twenty years – which can bring people together from all over the world. Most dating sites are safe and I certainly recommend the most reputable ones on this site, which will charge you to become a member. But understanding how to use a computer and how to surf the net is not enough to guarantee that you won’t come across the occasional fraudster – even on the most reputable dating sites. Everyone is a stranger until you really get to know them, whether you are meeting someone online, or in person at a club, a class, a bar or anywhere.

Kathy’s suggestions:

(1) Take it SLOW. Be patient about meeting someone. If they are the genuine article they will have similar concerns about you being genuine too. If the person is pushy about meeting you too soon this is not a good sign. Move on, even if you’re developing feelings. Easier to cut loose now than when it’s too late.

(2) Be extremely cautious and patient about giving out your home phone number and address. If you want to talk to the person beyond instant messaging, suggest using an online telephoning system like Skype (which cannot be traced to your address) which can also be used in conjunction with a webcam, so you can see who you are actually speaking with. My best advice is only give out your address and phone number once you have done this first.

(3) NEVER (and there are NO exceptions) give personal information about yourself (banking and investment info, business info, social insurance or social security numbers, driver’s licence)

(4) NEVER give out money – no matter how genuine the cause seems or how much pressure someone puts on you. Career con artists know exactly what to say to put a guilt trip on you and will usually connect it to how much you mean to them.

I know many people who have made successful connections on reputable dating sites on the internet who have never encountered a problem with anyone they have met. I truly believe that most people out there are just like you – genuinely looking for love and companionship. Please keep these pointers in mind when you join a dating site but think of them like the rules of the road that you learned when you learned to drive. They are intended to keep you safe but not prevent you from reaching your destination and having some fun along the way. The person of your dreams could be right around the next bend!

“I am 72 years old, and have been on my own for five very lonely years since my husband died.  One day, after seeing all the commercials showing happy couples who found each other on online dating sites, I decided to take a look at what this was all about.”

“I met a few nice men (of the right age) but one in particular really is someone I could see myself starting a relationship with.  I am not looking to jump into anything serious like marriage, but I think it would be so nice to have someone to go out with.  I miss that companionship.  The problem is that my son and daughter are totally against it and I have purposely held off on meeting this man because of my kids.  He is very patient and understands, but I can’t expect him to wait forever for me to sort out these issues.  I know they are just being protective, but I am not a child.  What can I do?”

Well Shirley, this is not an uncommon problem (believe it or not!).   Let’s take a look at why you find yourself in this situation, from your kids’ point of view.

The death of a parent oftentimes makes the kids’ relationship with the surviving parent even stronger.  The roles can completely reverse because your kids feel the need to parent and protect you through this stressful time in which you are all adjusting to life without your partner and their parent – the one who took care of you before.

They likely see your marriage with your late husband as something almost sacred. The idea of you even wanting to consider a relationship may be (in their minds) a betrayal to their father’s memory – especially the idea of any intimacy between you and someone else.  They may also be worried that a new relationship will occupy too much of your time normally spent with your family and that they would ultimately lose their mother to a stranger.

They will worry that you will become prey to the crazies and scammers on the internet. That nice little nest egg that you and your husband took a lifetime to grow together could be gone in a heartbeat if someone wants to take advantage of you.  It’s not just your heart that could end up broken. They might worry that you could become totally dependent on them financially if this were to happen.

These are all legitimate concerns that children have, but the truth is that they probably just aren’t ready for you to meet someone, even though you are. Their protectiveness is natural, but it is your job to ensure that you and your future happiness are not smothered by it.

First you need to show them that you are competent. And you can do this, assuming you have managed practical details (finances, home and car maintenance, medical visits, friendships, food and shopping etc) capably and responsibly since your husband died.

Then you need to explain to them that no one could ever replace your husband and that you feel some companionship would take away the overwhelming feeling that you are facing your own mortality and the resulting loneliness that you have been feeling since he died.  They need to know that all their lives you have been concerned with their happiness and now this is what you need for your happiness.

You need to promise them (and stick to it) that you will be on your guard about giving out any personal information or money, have them take you to meet him for the first time (if he is a good guy he will not only understand but appreciate their concern for you), and reassure them that any relationship you would ever consider would never exclude your family and certainly never interfere with the special time that you spend with them.

Your family has been by your side for a very long time and their protectiveness is natural and motivated by love. If you are having a very difficult time making your argument, try eliciting the help of a respected family member, long time family friend or even your family physician. An outside opinion may help them see the bigger picture.

Remember this is completely uncharted territory for your children to see you with someone other than their father. It may take some time, but these tips should help ease the tension with your kids so that you can begin dating and start enjoying your life again.  Good luck Shirley!

Time changed all of that however and women began seeking meaningful careers outside the home, out of a need for both personal growth and financial necessity.

So lets fast-forward about 40 years or so and look at the online dating scene as a senior nowadays. There are a lot of men whose former housewives are a sharp contrast to some of the independent, computer savvy career women who they will meet on senior dating sites.  Can they form meaningful relationships?  Well I believe they can as long as both parties keep some vital information in mind.

First of all it is important to remember what you both are looking for.  Most senior daters are looking for companionship with a significant other – someone to go out with and have fun and potentially develop a meaningful relationship.  So when you meet someone online, if you give yourself enough time to get to know each other, you should be able to see if this person is a good personality match for you and if you have some common interests.

If, however, it is going to end up in a power struggle because you are both stuck in your mindsets of being “the boss” in your life and with others around you, you will have to realize that the relationship will not move forward.  In fact, you may find yourself constantly hitting barriers if this is the impression you are giving potential partners.  If these values are set in stone for you then be honest and upfront with an online interest and move on. If you do however want to keep an open mind and open your heart to new possibilities, then read on.

Not to sound patronizing, but we must remember a key component of ALL relationships (marriage, friendships, parent-child, work etc) is COMPROMISE.  If you are willing to compromise a little you will have a much greater chance of finding a successful relationship with someone you meet online.

What I am talking about specifically here is this.  Men – if you are intimidated by the women you meet who have had successful careers (perhaps they have reached the senior executive or ownership level) this is not something you should feel insecure about.

You are at a stage in your life now where meeting someone who is also financially secure is a good thing. And because of her career, she will likely be a great social companion and someone who isn’t afraid of meeting new people and doing new things. No wall-flowers here, unless of course that is what you are looking for.

The fact that your lady friend has accomplished what she has in life is a positive sign of her strength, ability and perseverance. If you discover many other things in common it shouldn’t matter if you didn’t have a similar level of achievement in your career. It isn’t a contest and life is very different now. Your future is not about planning for retirement and saving for education funds and building a four bedroom house in the suburbs. Your future is about ENJOYING your retirement NOW and what better way to do that than with someone who you really like.  If you both have the funds it also gives you some pretty nice options for places to travel and things to do together.

Women – you have to remember one thing.  The majority of men that you are meeting are from the “old school” of how a man treats a woman.  This generation and their view of women is a dying breed and oftentimes their younger counterparts have no clue about opening doors for women and doing the little things that can make a woman feel very special on a date.  So enjoy it ladies and embrace it.  If your date starts trying to control you however, then this is not gentlemanly behaviour so see this as a sign that you should run for the hills!

The other thing that you want to keep in mind is that when you meet someone online, if you are worried about scaring someone off because of your success, play it down initially.  I am not saying that you shouldn’t be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished – not at all.  Personal security is an even bigger reason to always be guarded about how much information you give about yourself anyway.  You want to get to know someone and have them like you for YOU, not see you as a threat or conversely as a meal ticket because of your success in life.  “Baby steps” is the best approach with giving information about yourself so you know it’s a true personality-match taking place.

You must realize that you have both had a great deal of experience in your individual lives that makes you who you are and it is not easy to weave lives together that have been very different. But we all know that nothing worthwhile is easy, and with a little compromise on both your parts you can turn your connection into something really wonderful.

And while it is good to find enjoyment in solitude, I think most would agree that the best fun comes out of spending time with people, and casual dating can be a wonderful enhancement to your life.  No one says you have to go out and remarry or get serious with someone – it’s entirely up to you to set the parameters of what you really want.

So, let’s delve into why my senior dater would have made this silly comment in the first place.

Imagine the following scenario.  You are all alone and you are starting to believe that it is going to stay that way despite your deep desire to meet people and feel special again.  You have convinced yourself that no one will ever come close to your former partner who saw your true beauty.  You look in the mirror and you say to yourself that your “best years” are over and that no one will find you attractive enough to want to go out with you and it probably just isn’t worth the effort involved. It’s just easier to go on moping and maybe one day things will change. Maybe being sad and alone isn’t all bad.

You see the happy couples in ads on TV and you yearn for that kind of connection again, but then you convince yourself that relationships are only for young people. And then you start to think about your kids and your grandkids – what on earth would they think if you started dating?  You can already hear the dialogue in your head: “How could you do that to Dad?” “You are too old to date and this is embarrassing for me to have to explain to people. And what will the family say?”

Does any of this sound like that negative voice in your head?

If so then the most important thing you need to work on is your confidence, because until you build that up, it will be very difficult to get past this “woe is me” trap that we all can easily fall into.

A few articles back I touched on some suggestions to help rebuild your social life (clubs, groups, seniors’ centres, classes etc.) after the loss of a spouse.  Getting out socially, making new friends and acquaintances, and trying new things will help build up your confidence. It is amazing how good you feel when you try something new that you end up really enjoying.

The other advantage to building up a new social life and developing some new interests is that you are going to also be proving to your kids that you aren’t just a helpless old soul that needs to be taken care of . That’s not what they want you to be so you shouldn’t want it either. You are showing them independence and initiative and that you can take care of yourself. This will hopefully pave the way to an easier acceptance when you eventually re-enter the dating arena.

Once you start working on this “soul” homework you can look at the next phase which is to take a good look in the mirror. And I am not just talking to the ladies here.  Gentlemen!   Don’t forget, if you have been in a rut it makes sense that you may not have been too concerned about your appearance.  But a little effort in this area can make you feel like a million bucks!

The salon that your daughter or son goes to may be a bit pricey for your budget, but even if you go just once and get a really good cut that suits you, you know that they will do their best to make you happy if you’re the parent of  a regular client.  Get someone to take your photo after your new “do” so that you can show any salon exactly what you want for future cuts.  Also, try to ensure that if anyone suggests a little colour, PLEASE make sure that the new colour is right for you.  Just because you had ebony hair when you were 25 doesn’t mean it will suit you now. An unsuitable colour can be very aging and ruin your whole look. And for all you colour-do-it-yourselfers, use caution and get some advice!

As far as the wardrobe goes, start with a bit of purging.  If you haven’t worn it in a LONG time (five years or more) it is probably out of style, and likely wont fit properly anyway so give it away to a charity.  If you aren’t sure if something suits you or is outdated, ask someone.  I remember my Uncle Bert, who loved his baby blue polyester leisure suits and wore them right into the new millennium, even though they were only fashionable in the seventies. UGH!!  If there are any Uncle Berts among my senior daters reading this, PLEASE get rid of those suits!!

When you go shopping, take a friend or family member who is patient, has a good sense of modern style and is not in any way competitive with you.  This way you will get some help picking out some new pieces that you can wear with confidence.  And remember if everyone told you that pink was your best colour when you were younger, I am sure it still is one of your best shades.  So if you don’t know where to start on the colour wheel, stick with colours that you have always been complemented on wearing, but maybe try a shade or two brighter than you used to wear since your hair and complexion may be different now.

If you really feel you want to splurge on a complete makeover, do an internet search for image consultants in your area to see if you can find someone who may specialize in seniors’ makeovers. Don’t be afraid to ask to see their success stories in a portfolio before you decide. After all, you will be putting yourself in their hands and you want to make sure your money is well spent.  I recently discovered that some cosmetology programs at community colleges will offer free makeovers to seniors – but remember they are students, so you are their homework!

For those of you who are suffering in the confidence department, hopefully some of these suggestions will help put you back on track. Start with some changes in your life to get out of the house and meet people and the rest will all follow naturally as you begin to feel better about yourself. And please stop listening to the negative “what ifs” that keep floating around your head.  Instead think positive so you can get out there and enjoy your life. You will be amazed at how wonderful you can feel about yourself.

Well, now that summer is here (and a full-on heat wave is occurring in my little corner of the world) it’s crucial, whether you’re out on a date or just going about your normal business, that you’re properly prepared to deal with the heat and extreme sunshine.

#1. Hydration. When you go out, carry a water bottle with you. Even if you find it heavy to carry, take it with you but only fill it half full. You will amaze yourself at how quickly you dehydrate in very hot weather. When it is hot you need to drink as much water as possible to keep yourself hydrated because your body needs it to function and to keep cool. Juices are fine in moderation, and while a little sugar is good for your energy level, be cautious about over-doing juices and sodas because they do contain high levels of sugar.

#2. Sunscreen. With the thinning ozone, the time that it takes for our skin to burn is far quicker than it ever was. Even if your good genes have never given you any reason to worry about skin cancer, there is incredible discomfort that comes with a bad sunburn.

Along with feeling like your epidermis is on fire, your body feels like it is running a high fever and this will keep you from having a good night’s sleep. And if it is a bad burn the discomfort can last a few days. Take it from one who has suffered many sunburns over the years and has the scars of skin cancer removal to prove it. An ounce of prevention is so worth it.

#3. Wear a hat. Even if you can’t find one that you think suits you or you just had your hair done and you are worried about dreaded “hat head”, this is extremely important to prevent sunstroke. Even the best sunscreen cannot protect the top of your head and sunstroke is something we all need to be concerned about – especially seniors.

Did you know that even certain medications (antidepressants, beta blockers and diuretics) can make you more susceptible to the effects of the sun? Sunstroke can start with a rise in heart rate and headache, and it can progress to mental and verbal confusion and even loss of consciousness. People actually can end up hospitalized in severe cases. While direct sun is the main cause and a hat will protect your noggin, extreme heat in general and dehydration can also be the cause.

#4. Enjoy the great indoors. What am I blathering about you ask? Well, when it is just too hot sometimes you just have to stay inside and enjoy that beautiful invention we call air conditioning! If you have any worries about your health and how the heat may be detrimental to your well being, stay inside and read a book, watch TV, do some crafts, clean out a closet or go online. Just because it is nice outside, doesn’t mean it is right for you to be out there for extended periods of time.

Let’s keep these simple tips in mind and carry on enjoying the summer!

It occurred to me that before we can talk about picking a site, setting up a profile and considering all the “dos and don’ts”, we should look at this situation that many find themselves in and consider the major changes in our lives that eventually lead us to being ready for senior dating.

I have heard similar stories from other seniors I have known, so you’ll know you aren’t alone if any of this strikes a familiar chord.

Many of you were in long term marriages and had a circle of friends, usually couples that your social life revolved around. These couples you may have raised your kids with, travelled with, gone to parties with, played bridge with, belonged to supper clubs with, gone sailing with, lawn bowled with, or even just had a regular evening at each others homes.

All these years have passed and you suddenly find yourself alone. Your partner has died or divorced you and you may feel utterly lost. Your natural instinct is to find comfort in all your old friends, but slowly you realize your place in the group was dependent on your “coupleness”, and you are made to feel like the fifth wheel.

The once happy welcome you used to receive isn’t there any more and the invitations are dwindling. No one can seem to relate to you without your other half. They may find discussing your loss depressing or they don’t want to face the fact that they may find themselves in the same position one day. Maybe some even see your sudden “availability” as a threat to their own relationships. It’s incredibly unfair and selfish that “friends” could abandon each other like this. But they do.

So now what? Well unfortunately this is the bumpy part of the journey that brings you to a fork in the road. (We always hate these forks in the road because they usually lead to the thing we dread the most – change.) This is the point when all old friends who just aren’t there anymore have to be put to one side (if they suddenly have a crisis of conscience, let them come back to you!) and new friendships have to be pursued.

Now you will be standing on your own feet and letting your own light shine. When you find yourself in new social situations remind yourself of your many qualities and talents and that you are complete as an individual – not just as a half of a couple. You have a lot to offer as a friend and do not let the bad experiences tell you otherwise.

One thing to consider if you find yourself in this troubling situation, and you cannot seem to shift the sadness, is a grief workshop. Here they can help you, not just through the grieving process of losing your spouse, but also adjusting to the incredible changes that you are faced with (including the loss of life-long friendships). Here you will learn the tools to begin the healing process which is where you need to start before you can ever consider another relationship.

Once you start to feel that you are beginning to come out of the darkness, consider book clubs, fitness classes (great place to meet friends – every seniors centre will offer them), garden clubs, lunch clubs, consider going back to school or go on a cruise or organized tour of a place you always wanted to see. There are so many places to make new friends – and sharing something in common is the best place to start.

Even if your friends have been there for you through your loss, you need to make sure you are ready for the next phase of your journey. Spending some time developing your interests and changing the way you have always put others first (spouse, friends and kids) to putting yourself first for a change, will help to refocus you.

Believe it or not this will be an incredible time in your life where it’s all about you now! You have done your work raising your family and being a good partner. You get to choose the people you want as friends and your time is your own, so spend it wisely to find out what makes you tick and associate with people who make you feel good.

This will boost your confidence tremendously and when you are ready, you will be able to embark on the senior dating journey.

Keep in mind you have probably been out of the dating scene for quite a while and you and your former partner probably shared the same feelings about politics, religion, family and finances – or at least you learned to live with each other’s differing opinions on the topics over the years.  Now it’s a whole new ball game.  You are in unchartered territory, meeting new people under new circumstances in a very different world.

Try to remember that in order to make a good first impression, it’s extremely important to keep the conversation light, and positive.  As the relationship develops, so too will a  comfort level with your new partner meaning that things will naturally be revealed in time about both of you.  Hopefully by that time, mutual feelings about each other will trump differences in opinion about politics.  But discussing these things too early in the game may spoil your chances of seeing where the relationship could have gone. You may decide to go on a negative rant about a politician and then you learn that your date was a major financial contributor to that campaign.  Oops!

Or you may have lost your former spouse to a horrible illness and you decide to tell your date the whole story and you end up in tears.  As significant as that event was in your life, you have to understand that doing this will likely not only alter the positive mood that you need on a date, but alter your date’s perception of you. They might think you are not over your former partner, so they may want to steer clear of getting involved with you.

So avoiding these 5 conversation topics will help you not to put your foot in your mouth!

(1)  Illness of yours or a family member (past or present).  If you have to bring it up, keep it very brief, and then say: “That is too depressing to talk about, I am here to get to know YOU!”

(2)  Death of a spouse – fine to mention that this is how you ended up single, but do not dwell on the details and run the risk of becoming emotional, and displaying all your baggage.

(3)  Divorce – like death, this can be a downer.  No one wants to hear how badly you were abused by your ex and all the details of your court battle.  It is fine to say you are divorced, but end it at that.

(4)  Financial issues, good or bad.  This is something that could indicate you are well off and make you easy prey for someone you don’t yet really know.  Conversely if you are having a tough time, your date may think you are looking for a meal ticket.  Either way this topic is something you should be extremely guarded about.

(5) Religion, race and politics.  Very hot topics that can seriously blow any chances of moving the relationship forward if discussed too early when you haven’t established enough of a rapport with someone.

If your date hasn’t read my column and doesn’t realize that these things are taboo and begins to delve into one or more of these areas, you can try to use your power of persuasion to steer them away from these downer subjects.  Say something like: “I can only imagine how you feel, but we have such little time on our date.  Let’s talk about things right now that make us both feel good to talk about.”

Hopefully they take the bait and change the subject so that you can see if this person is open-minded and not stuck in a negative mindset.  Some things you can overlook if you are genuinely interested in the person, other things can become huge stumbling blocks that cannot be overcome if the negatives outweigh the positives.  Let your instincts tell you if this person is right or not.

Remember that you’ll both likely be a bit nervous, and it’s okay to break the ice by saying that or making a little joke about it. Say something like: “I haven’t been this nervous since I went on my first date when I was seventeen!”

If you sense that your nerves are giving you a bit of verbal diarrhea, take a breath and deliberately turn the stage over to your date.   It’s important to ensure that the conversation is not one-sided – neither you nor your date should be doing ALL the talking.  For example, you have been chatting about how you love travelling and suddenly realize that you have started a dissertation about every place you have ever visited as if you were making a documentary for National Geographic!

Stop, and ask your date where is the most memorable place that they’ve ever visited, and let him or her elaborate.

Nerves can also make people clam up so if this happens, put on your listening cap and ask questions to draw your date out. “What was the food like?”  “Did you go on any sight-seeing tours?”  “What made you want to go to Ireland?”  “How did you find the people there – I hear the Irish are very friendly and fun loving.”

Here are five good topics for conversation to help keep things light.  They will help you discover some interesting things about your date and most importantly the interests you share in common:

(1) Hobbies – what kinds of things do you love to do?  Think of things that you do to make you happy and talk about it.  Maybe it is a pastime like genealogy or quilting.  Maybe cooking is your thing, or maybe you volunteer at the local hospital.  Don’t assume that reading is bland and boring.  Your discussion about favourite authors, books, plays and movies can be a great way to discover your shared passions.

(2) Travel – places you have been or would love to go.  This doesn’t have to mean exotic international destinations; it could mean a great resort in cottage country two hours away that you visited.

(3) Favourite foods.  This is a great way to see how open-minded and flexible your date is plus it is a good way to find a common ground for a potential future meal together.  You may just discover that your date loves Indian food as much as you do!

(4) Exercise and fitness.  This is another good way to discover commonalities for a future date.  Maybe you both love to walk, or sail or do Tai Chi.  Imagine planning a picnic in a place near the boardwalk where you can walk for a mile together and enjoy each other’s conversation, while taking in the fresh air and beautiful scenery.

(5) Family – talk about your kids and grandkids in general terms, but be cautious not to blather on and on about them.  You may be very proud that your daughter graduated from Harvard with her PhD in law and your son is the chief surgeon at some huge hospital, but if you spend two hours talking about them and their accomplishments it takes the spotlight away from YOU.

Remember that the purpose of the date is for you and your date to get to know each other – not each other’s kids!  Also if your date has kids but doesn’t really want to talk about them, this may be a signal that there is some trouble in paradise.  This will all reveal itself naturally as the relationship develops but don’t talk too much about your kids if you sense that this may be an uncomfortable subject for your date.  Remember to find the common ground!

If you are not much of a drinker, or allergic to cigarette smoke, don’t be afraid to say so.  If your date drinks heavily and smokes like a chimney, these behaviours are difficult to change in people, so they can end up being deal breakers.  But it is better to get that on the table early on.

If there is a real connection between the two of you however, your date can decide how and if they want to adjust their habits to accommodate you, especially if you have a health issue associated with those habits.  Conversely YOU may be the one with the habits that offend your date.  You may be faced with a situation where you have to consider whether you like this person enough to want to change to be considerate to their needs.

Remember, try to vary the conversation up so that you cover a variety of subjects and try to avoid all the negatives and deeply personal things.  If the relationship develops, your ability to share your personal life will gradually happen in time, so don’t be in a rush to talk about it on the first date.

It’s imperative in the early days to find as much common ground as you can, on which to build the foundation of the relationship.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about things that make you unique and special, on the contrary.  But try to read your date’s signals of what to talk about and what NOT to talk about.  While it’s important to draw conversation out of your date by asking questions if they are nervously quiet, don’t push too hard.  Try a little humour to relax them.

If you end up with someone who doesn’t let you get a word in, you will have to judge for yourself if this person is an arrogant boor who loves to talk about themselves, or if they are just so nervous, they don’t know when to stop.  You will know whether or not you want to give them another chance by going on a second date.  Just remember that you are both in the same boat, but your date may not have had the benefit of the insightful Senior Dating advice that you have!